Off-Kilter Films 01: Troll

Troll is a 1986 horror movie directed by John Carl Buechler, written by Ed Naha and distributed by Empire Pictures. It is also featured in the 2004 DVD documentary, The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made. Truth be told, it sure is a pretty bad film, but also rather entertaining to connoisseurs of Bad Films such as myself.
I mean, there are bad films which are just cinematic crap, like the US remake of Godzilla, and then there are Bad Films which are so bad they're awesome. This film sits somewhere in the mid point between those two types of bad film. Its not nearly as bad nor as entertaining as the unrelated movie Troll 2*, but its still definitely worth a look in. Its currently playing in the background as I write this.


The film centers around the Potter family, dad Harry Potter Sr., mum Anne Potter, son Harry Potter Jr., and cute wee daughter Wendy Anne Potter, who at the start of the film have just moved into an apartment complex. I don't know what city this film is set in, I don't think the movie ever mentions it, but I do know the actual filming took place in Italy.
So anyway, the Potters have just moved into this apartment, like any good North American the Dad goes off to get burgers (which he jokingly refers to as "Ratburgers"), Mum finishes up lugging boxes of stuff into the apartment and in the opening minutes young Wendy has already managed to play her way down into the building's basement with her ball. This in hindsight was a pretty bad move on her part, because there's a nasty little troll lurking down there, because lurking about down in basements is just what Trolls do, OK?
This film was produced prior to the advent of the Internet, so I guess he couldn't find a suitable bridge or goats to bother in the area.
So, the Troll attacks Wendy, and alters his form (via the use of a magic emerald ring he just happens to have) to replicate that of Wendy's. Now he is free to assume Wendy's identity and carry out his diabolical and quite frankly ridiculous little scheme.
Here, watch this while I take a cigarette break:



Pretty rockin' huh?
SO, TrollWendy goes back to the apartment to dine on burgers with her fam'. Her first hilarious act as TrollWendy is to question her burger's contents before completely pigging out on it, and then she runs off out of the apartment with Harry Potter Jr's burger.
Disgusted by his sister's sudden complete lack of common decency, Harry Jr. (played by Noah Hathaway, whom you may remember as Atreyu in The Neverending Story) takes off after her. TrollWendy then sets off the fire alarm and then proceeds to run and jump about like a lunatic, roaring and repeatedly yelling "RATBURGERS!!" very loudly and with great gusto. It's fuckin' awesome, and reminds me of the energy contained within my own little blonde bunches-wearing prepubescent pal Hope, but far brattier and more feral than Hope could muster.



This is also a handy plot device, as we are introduced to almost all of the other apartment complex residents as they come out of their apartments on account of the fire alarm and its clamorous yammering. Its important that we get to see the other residents at this stage of the film as we will soon see a bunch of them being fucked up by the Troll. One of the residents is a '70s throwback swinger played by Sonny Bono & his awesome PornMustache, and another resident is played by a 24 year old Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Seinfeld's Elaine, etc) and her sassy derrière.

After Mr & Mrs Potter have introduced themselves to the rest of the residents, and the fire alarm is shut off by resident cranky old lady Eunice St. Clair. The Potter parents manage to get their errant "daughter" back into their apartment, where she trashes a couple of boxes full of stuff and bites her dad on the arm, roaring and grunting all the while, then laughs and says she was just playing a joke on everyone (or words to that effect), and then everything's all cool again, just like that. The Potter parents pretty much continue this trend of oblivious '80s movie parenting throughout the film. Although slightly concerned, they put Wendy's unusual behavior (roaring, biting, tossing people across rooms) down to "the stress of the move". I suspect the Potter parents of overindulging in the same pot smoking behaviour exhibited by the Freeling parents in Poltergeist. Either that or they're just idiots. Probably the latter.

Only Harry Jr. has any real suspicions about Wendy's sudden change in behaviour, suspicions which are heightened the next morning when TrollWendy gets weirded out about a bottle of milk in the fridge being cold before picking her brother up and throwing him into a wall. She then goes upstairs to Sonny Bono's character's apartment, annoys him for a bit before reverting back into troll form and turning him into this weird green pod thing (via the use of some pretty cool trashy special effects), which then splits open and turns the apartment into a magical woodland, replete with various mini troll critters. The main troll and his little minions are all voiced by überprolific voice actor Frank Welker, whom I will always remember as being the voice of the Stripe in Gremlins.

Look at ol' Trolly calmly sitting there browsing through whatever magazine '70s throwback swinger dudes have on their coffee tables while this transmogrification takes place. Maybe its an interior design/outdoor landscaping hybrid magazine?


Hahahahaaa who am I kidding, it's porn. Because of course it's porn.

While all this is going on, Harry Potter Jr. goes upstairs to introduce himself to Eunice St. Clair, and to tell her about his sister's out of character actions of late. Eunice has this nifty little toadstool thing with a face and high pitched voice which she hides from Harry before he comes in, like any woman would do with her mewling phallic symbol before company arrives, by sticking a lampshade over its head.


At this point the fact that there are two characters in this film referring to themselves as Harry Potter gets a little odd. I've always questioned the idea of fathers naming their sons after themselves. Having two fuckers named Harry in a small apartment would just get confusing at times.

Anyway, Harry Jr. and Eunice St. Clair are now pals. That's just dandy. The next scene sees TrollWendy outside, again playing with her ball, only this time she's out in the middle of the road, where she almost gets wiped out by a car, but is saved by a 3 foot tall fellow named Professor Malcolm Malory. Malroy is played by Phil Fondacaro, who also fills the role of the guy in the Troll suit. He also has a mustache, which is not quite as porntastic as Bono's, but eh its fairly decent. TrollWendy is quite taken aback at the appearance of this small dude, and asks if he is an elf. Malroy asks her if she believes in elves, to which she replies with an emphatic "0h yes", so Malroy says that "well then perhaps I might be one after all". From this point onward TrollWendy refers to this guy as "Brother Elf". The first time she calls him that seems so on the nose its hilarious.

Meanwhile Harry Sr. decides to show his concern for his daughter's wellbeing by rocking out in the living room to a bit of Blue Cheer (he's meant to be this record collecting music aficionado and he's listening to Blue Cheer? Fuck's sake).
While this is going on TrollWendy is around at macho ex-military guy Duke's apartment, killing him and turning his place into another hinterland playground.
It is later revealed to Harry Jr. by Eunice that this is the Troll's big plan, going through each apartment and turning the whole building into a forest. Once all the apartments are turned into woodland, a fourth dimensional fairy world will be created, and the Troll will be able to lead a troll army out of the building to wipe out humanity.
Because he's a troll. And that's just what trolls do OK? Personally I'd rather be wiped out by a bunch of Gremlins, or even Critters, but whatever.

After knocking off ol' Duke, TrollWendy has Brother Elf Malroy round for dinner. Harry Jr. feigns illness so he can lie in bed in his room and watch Pod People From the Planet Mars so he can get some wild notion that his sis' is actually a pod person. Meanwhile the rest of the Potters and Malroy are gathered round the dinner table, where TrollWendy gets Malroy to recite the entirety of The Fairy Queen for her. Because literary geeks like Malroy just happen to memorize such things.
It is during this recital that we are treated to the trollish equivalent of Bohemian Rhapsody, a portion of which you can see here:



After this rousing little ditty Harry Jr. goes back to Eunice's apartment for another chat, whereupon he flat out asks her if she's a witch (what is is with these Potter kids and their penchant for presumptuous questions?), to which she pretty much admits to being. She tells Harry Jr. that back in the days of magic and fairies she was once romantically involved with a handsome young wizard name Torok, but details of this are not revealed at this point. But Harry Jr. does find out that the day he and his family moved into the apartment was Walpurgus Night, and that his sister's behavioural change on that day was not a coincidence. Eunice then ushers him out of her apartment without any further explanation.
Later on it is revealed that the wizard Torok and the Troll are one and the same, but sadly Torok was turned into a troll after he and Eunice stopped getting it on. However, I'm still going to continue referring to the Troll as TrollWendy, because I much prefer that name.
Meanwhile, TrollWendy is round at Julia Louis-Dreyfus' character's place, turning her into a semi-naked dancing woodland woman, giving new meaning to the term "away with the fairies".


Julia's dopey boyfriend comes round for a visit, where he is seduced by Dancing Naked Julia in her now forest covered and seemingly much larger apartment, where she runs about in a film loop giggling away while being repeatedly covered by a badly animated yellow glow type thing and.. its all just a bit asinine, and probably only really there to show off Julia's naked butt. Or butts I should say, as there are now supposed to be a number of Naked Julias in there. Wooo.

TrollWendy then goes off to visit Malroy, where she learns that he's got bone marrow cancer and is on his way out. Shocked by this, TrollWendy asks Malroy if he ever truly wanted to be an actual elf, to which her responds that he did very much when he was her age. So of course, she turns him into an elf too. Malroy elf puppet looks pretty cool. He still has his mustache, and that's what really counts. "Welcome Brother Elf" says the Troll as this fuckin' little puppet homunculus Malroy emerges from his leafy cocoon. Troll bonding. How lovely.
Maybe this scene has been placed in here to show a softer, more caring side to the generally wicked Troll's personality. That's the only good reason I can see for its inclusion, because after this scene one doesn't see any more of Malroy. I wonder if he still needs his social security number now that he's a troll? Does he still pay taxes? Does this affect his retirement pension?

So now all the apartments besides Eunice's and the Potter's have been turned into enchanted woodlands by TrollWendy, part of a scheme so farcical I'm actually quite impressed it managed to get written into a film that's meant to be taken somewhat seriously.
Plenty of absurd action follows for the last quarter of the film, but I shall stop my review of this film at this point, so as not to spoil the ending for anyone who might be interested in watching it.
AllMovie.com sums up the last portion of the film thusly:
"The stage is then set for inevitable battle between the good witch and the evil troll for control of the world, but first she and the brave family must combat a twenty-foot tall übertroll who looks akin to a Furby™ doll left in the sandbox over a long, hard Minnesota winter."
Which describes it pretty well I reckon.

Needless to say, its one of those films that you have to be in the right mood for, and should never consider paying more than 5 dollars (or whatever currency your country uses) for if you happen to see it on sale anywhere. I bought my copy on DVD for a buck. The plot is ludicrous, the special effects are for the most part very substandard, and the only decent acting performance is given by Jenny Beck as Wendy Anne/TrollWendy. She somehow manages to come across as sweet, sinister, playful, endearing, conniving, subtle and completely over the top, often all at the same time.
A dollar well spent I say!

Apparently its slated to be remade with a bigger budget by the same director and as many of the original cast/crew that he can manage to convince to take part in it. It will probably lose a lot of its crappy charm if its remade, but I guess it remains to be seen if it does get off the ground how well they do this time around.


Chloé

*J. Misanthrope has already done a very brief review of Troll 2 here.