Penguin epiphany.

In which a penguin has an epiphany. "Fuck this noise" you can almost hear him saying. I would elaborate further, but I think this particular youtube comment on the clip sums it up better than I could:

"Fortune," said the little penguin, "Look there, friend, where thirty or more monstrous giants rise up, all of whom I mean to engage in battle and slay, and it is God's good service to sweep so evil a breed from off the face of the earth."
"Giants?... Those are mountains."
"It is easy to see that you are not used to this business of adventures. Those are giants, and if you are afraid, away with you out of here and betake yourself to prayer, while I engage them in fierce and unequal combat." 

The clip is taken from the Werner Herzog film Encounters At the End of the World, which is definitely well worth watching.

Well, that's it for Randomitronica folks. I hope you enjoyed the ride.
And now, let us allow the penguin to take us on out.

Ciao!
~ Chloé

Interview: Dwight L. MacPherson

Good day to you all. Today I’d like to present to you an interview I recently conducted with mister Dwight L. MacPherson, the Harvey and Eagle Award-nominated creator of Zuda Comics’ Sidewise, the critically-acclaimed Surreal Adventures of Edgar Allan Poo, Arcana Studio’s breakthrough hit Dead Men Tell No Tales and writer of IDW Publishing’s American McGee’s Grimm. He’s a writer whom I greatly respect and admire for his imagination, the subject matter that he chooses to explore, his dedication to his craft, and his skill at creating well-rounded characters that resonate with readers.
I love the guy's inventive use of words and language as well, an example of which ("bumblepuppy and whirligig") is included in this very interview.
Aside from writing and editing comic books, graphic novels and webcomics he also writes short stories, poetry and young adult novels.
A busy guy indeed!

He’s also a friendly and engaging sort of fellow, and maintains a good rapport with his readers, often responding to comments people make on his online comics, blog posts and such.
And (at the time of writing) he follows 666 people on his twitter account.

A while back I hit upon the idea to email him some interview questions (a couple of which I selfishly included purely because I was really curious to know the answers) and he was gracious enough to respond with some rather insightful and witty answers.
So let’s get into this shall we?

Chloé Kovac: Your writing strikes me as being very well thought out and structured. Do you think that your background in the military has contributed to this, in regards to having a solid work ethic and a disciplined approach to setting out a story?

Dwight L. MacPherson: Well, first off, thank you very much.

Absolutely. I learned the importance of self-discipline, time-management, professionalism, integrity, being proactive, and attention to detail (and how to kill people, so don’t mess with me) in the military. In fact, it did much more than teach me these things; they became a part of who I am. So I would say that my military background not only contributed to my approach to writing, but it made me a better, stronger, more responsible person. You can’t go wrong serving your country in the Armed Forces. I’m proud to have served—and it made me a better human being in the process. Win-win.


CK: Do you have any particular set process/processes that you employ when getting a story together?

DLM: It starts with a concept. Sometimes it comes to me as a basic idea; sometimes it’s a partial story. Generally, I will write the idea down and save the document. If I’m buried in work, I will continue to brainstorm as I am able to—writing down anything that comes to mind in the meantime. From these basic ideas, I will put together a skeleton plot. This will provide the basis for my research, and I scour the internet and the local libraries accordingly. After I have adequate (you can never conduct too much research) research notes, I will flesh out the story in the form of a rough outline. I generate a script based upon these loose outlines, but you never know when the story will take me in a different direction. With a general idea of what the beginning, middle and ending will be, it is always exciting to watch the story develop. Sometimes the end result is a direct reflection of the outline, other times it’s something quite different.


CK: I’ve noticed you’re a writer who researches his subject matter extensively. Do you find that knowing the facts about something helps lend a more solid base to inspiring creative thinking?

DLM: Certainly! I cannot tell you how many times I learned new facts, rumours and myths about a person that provided a treasure trove of new ideas. For instance, one of the rumours I discovered: that young Harry Houdini ran away from home and joined the circus, turned into one of my favourite stories in “Kid Houdini and the Silver Dollar Misfits.” Conducting research provides a two-fold reward. You learn as you go, and it always provides new avenues for exploration.


CK: What’s your general approach to finding an artist who will be congruent to what you are attempting to achieve with a story?

DLM: “Will you work on a back-end deal?” [laughs] I’ve been blessed to work with and befriend many talented artists. When I write a book, I can see what it should look like in my mind’s eye. That makes it much easier to find the “right artist” for each book.


CK: What are your thoughts on the seemingly limitless creative potential of the digital comics medium?

DLM: I think it has a lot of potential. While I am an old-school-gotta-have-it-in-my-hands kind of bloke, I realize that there are many, many people who would rather read on their phones, computer screens and portable reading devices—and I have no problem with that. The most important thing is that people are reading.

In the near future, I think it will prove to be a profitable alternative distributor for small press creators. I don’t see traditional distribution lasting into the next century, sadly.


CK: Speaking of the digital comics medium, your comic Sidewise was launched on Zuda on October 8th this year. Could you give us a run-down on your experiences with Zuda since Sidewise started its run?

DLM: It’s been a wonderful experience working with Zuda. Their editors are top-notch and my fellow Zuda creators are extremely supportive. In regards to production, however, the experience has been very much like any other work for hire gig I’ve had in the past.


CK: How do you rate the importance of comic creators’ personal appearances at cons and such?

DLM: On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say a 9. Many of my compeers have landed big-time gigs simply by meeting with publishers and editors at conventions. I don’t get to many cons, sadly, and I think that is a major contributor to the fact that I haven’t been approached regarding mainstream work. Not that I’d be willing to take anything the Big Two had to offer, mind you, but I’d like to have the opportunity to write a book or two for them.


CK: What are your thoughts on the falling rate of fiction literacy? It seems that people generally don't tend to read as much as they used to.

DLM: I’m an enormous Orwell fan, but I believe Aldous Huxley got it right in Brave New World. Our society is so busy chasing the newest bumblepuppy and whirligig that we simply do not have time to devote to reading for pleasure. The delayed gratification of reading has been replaced by the instantaneous (though vacuous) satisfaction of video games, gadgets, the internet, movies and television. Huxley also feared that we would become so inundated with information that we would become passive and egotistical—which is exactly what we’ve seen in the United States. I fear that it’s only a matter of time before it becomes a global epidemic.


CK: What are some comics/webcomics that you recommend people have a read of?

DLM: Besides my own? [laughs]

There are so many wonderful webcomics out there right now. Some of my favourites are Zuda’s Bayou (http://www.zudacomics.com/bayou), Dual (http://www.zudacomics.com/dual) and I Rule the Night (http://www.zudacomics.com/node/622). I also enjoy Chris Grine’s Chickenhare (http://www.chickenhare.com/) , Howie Noel’s Tara Normal (http://www.taranormal.com/) , Aaron Diaz’s Dresden Codak (http://dresdencodak.com/), David Malki’s Wondermark (http://wondermark.com/) and Kate Beaton’s Hark, A Vagrant (http://harkavagrant.com/). My evil archnemesis Nicholas Gurewitch’s The Perry Bible Fellowship (http://pbfcomics.com/) is one of my all-time favourites—though it pains me to say.


CK: Ah yes, the PBF, ho ho ho! That's a rather creative clusterf*ck of warped eyecandy isn't it?
OK, last question; what advice would you give to people starting out in the comics "business"?

DLM: Make comics because you love making comics. If you think you’re going to get rich in this industry, you’re mad as a bag of ferrets. Sure, there is the occasional comic book that is optioned for film, but it’s completely unrealistic given the decline of comic sales and Hollywood’s eccentricities to enter the business thinking you can make a million bucks. Do what you do and do it well, whether it’s writing, illustrating, painting, whatever, and be willing to take criticism—a lot of criticism—and learn from it. A thick skin is a must in this industry. Pansies need not apply.

***

Sound advice indeed!
So there you have it folks, I hope you enjoyed reading this interview as much as I enjoyed putting it together and reading Dwight’s responses.
Be sure to check out his website MacPherson Media for further links to his work and other online goodies.

Yours in comix,
Chloé

Rap Against Rape: Rolling in the WTFs

Rolling in the WTFs, getting sticky with their filth.
Oh God, its like a combination of your uncles, high school math teachers and your dad's accountant got together to create... one of the most bizarre things I have witnessed in an age. And they're deadly serious.



OK, its a serious subject, and I applaude them them for getting out there and spreading a worthy message; rape is a heinous and vile thing, and is definitely NOT something that our global society should tolerate, nor pretend doesn't exist. Good on them for raising funds for and awareness of the Rape Crisis Centre.
But fuck me slowly with a chainsaw*, what the hell is going on in their minds?
And what's up with their outfits? Eugh! "They certainly are a little differnt" says the guy who introduces them at the start. Ya got that right, buster. Verily, 1990 was a strange, tasteless time in Western history. Sure, I'm nitpicking over their awful dress sense and their useless abortion of a rap tune, and there are bigger issues at play here.
But this is the Randomitronica blog, and this clip falls quite, quite within the realm of pure, unadulterated random.

Next week I will have a post about a comic on the web. Huzzah!
~Chloé O_O

*A quite possibly poor choice of words there.

Something I stumbled upon yesterday (not using Stumbleupon btw). 43 pages of some very inventive, cheerful horror. Presented in the style of a Winnie the Pooh storybook, sort of. The illustrations are child-like in tone, scribbly things really, with the whacked-out perspectives of kids' drawings. They're drawn with crayons and pencil, and it works with the overall vibe of the thing. It like something you might find drawn in a kid's doodle pad, if the kid had seen the Alien and Predator movies plus had some, ahem, "issues".
There are at least two pages in this which made me laugh out loud.

Alien VS Pooh

Click on it foo'.





Yes that's Tigger in a power loader.
~ChloéBats

New Zealand Songs of F*cking Angst pt. 3

Ah, now here we go kids, here we go.



A bitter, nasty little song from Supergroove, a NZ funk band better known for far more "cheerful" fare. They put out a EP called Tractor many years ago, full of twisted ditties which explore various aspects of isolation, disenfranchisement and the gnawing maw of depression. Its very rare, this EP, and almost impossible to find. I am lucky I have a copy. Bought it back when it was released, I was really young.
Anyway, Scone Farm. One of the darkest slices of raw funk you'll ever hear. Scratchy guitars, walloping bass, nasty brass, yelling about being "skullfucked".
And Jesus H. Christ, the drums on this track sound MONSTROUS.
I LOVE IT.
"Welcome to the factory, I wanna smash its skull."

Scone Farm by ChloeKovac

Here's a link to another Supergroove song, the best audio quality of a Supergroove song I could find on youtube. Features co-vocalist Che Ness (now known as Che Fu), one of the best singers to come out of NZ, in my opinion. I link this to you for the purposes of displaying a different side of this band. You might recall my cousin whinging about what Che has become, in her guest Randomitronica post from a while ago.

I understand there is also a funk band called Supergroove from Brazil. Is that correct?

xo Chloé

The Power of the Dark Crystal

There is a sequel to the classic 1982 fantasy movie The Dark Crystal in the works, and speculation is rife over whether or not it'll turn out to be any good.
The Dark Crystal is a film that is dear to the hearts of quite a few folks (myself included), so fans of the film are naturally concerned about its good name being tarnished by a potentially less than spectacular sequel. But at this stage its all conjecture isn't it?
Personally, I feel that The Dark Crystal worked fine as a one-off, and the notion of a sequel is a pretty redundant one. The film certainly doesn't need a sequel. And I'm not the only person to have this view. According to the IMDB entry on The Power of the Dark Crystal, when asked his feelings about a "Crystal" sequel by the San Francisco Chronicle, co-director and puppeteer of the original Dark Crystal, the legendary Frank Oz, had a one-word answer: "Why?"

So yeah... why indeed?

Well, lets look at the facts about the sequel, as they stand at the time of writing. The film's screenplay has been written by Craig Pearce, (he wrote the screenplays for Moulin Rouge and Romeo + Juliet, so, herrrrrmmm) It is slated to be directed by The Spierig Brothers, Peter and Michael, and by the sounds of it they're big fans of the original, and are going to treat the material with the respect and care that it deserves. The Spierig Brothers directed Daybreakers among other things.
To allay confusion, the IMDB page for TPotDC currently lists Michael Gracey as being the director, but the page hasn't been updated since the May 4th announcement of the Spierig Brothers taking over.
Genndy Tartakovsky was once slated to direct, but I guess that fell through. Too bad, that could have been awesome.
Brian Henson, Lisa Henson and Jason Lust* will be producing. Keeping it in the family, that's something, right?
And it will be filmed in Australia, which makes sense, as the directors are Australian, and filming over there might be more cost effective in general.

The biggest news for me though is original conceptual designer Brian Froud is on board for this sequel, so at least the film's design will look good.
The intention is to film the movie in stereoscopic 3D, the same 3D technique used for Avatar, along with using traditional puppetry and animatronics. So this mix of techniques and approaches could end up being a garish visual mess, or something really lovely.

Here's an excerpt from the press statement, which gives a brief outline of the plot:
"Set hundreds of years after the events of the first movie when the world has once again fallen into darkness, Power of the Dark Crystal follows the adventures of a mysterious girl made of fire who, together with a Gelfling outcast, steals a shard of the legendary Crystal in an attempt to reignite the dying sun that exists at the center of the planet."
A girl made of fire! Coooool!

I guess it all remains to be seen whether or not his sequel is a good thing or not. I really hope they don't fuck it up.


*what a cool name.

~Chloé

HAPPY SYNTHESIZER

Its like a window directly into my brain. Thanks to Patrick for the link.
What would undead Robert Moog think of it, I wonder?

Proper Randomitronica posts resume next week.

~Chloé

The Guy What Throws Cards

I need this guy to come and work for me.

Gone Emo (Not Really)

Because I'm a rather small, fairly thin, floppy-fringed git, I was recently approached by the local emo band (the "Suitably Allienated & Downcast Suburban Anguish Quartet", or "SADSAQ" for short) to be their lead singer.
I'm certainly capable of "singing" in a whiny, nasally voice, and regular readers of my entries here will recognize how adept I am at grizzling about things. Besides, if that woman from Paramore can do it then so can I (which doesn't mean I should do it, but oh well).
The band had some songs but no lyrics. Those were left for me to write. I decided to come up with some song titles first. All modern emo bands need "wacky" song titles. Just like all 80's hair metal bands needed at least two members who sported permed and feathered mullets.
Most of these song titles aren't examples of great work on my part (they were all dreamed up during a 20 minute car ride). But there are a couple I quite like.


I'm Straight Edge But I'll Meet you At The Whinery

Razor Scars On Your Arms As A Fashion Accessory [actually, this one seems more suitable as a Locust song title]

Obligatory Girl's Name

Yet Another Ridiculously Long Song Title That Has Nothing Remotely To Do With The Song's Lyrics Or What The Song Is About

I'd Like To Sleep With You But Your'e So Pretty And I'm So Shy So I'll Just Stay In My Room And Have A Cry And A Wank Instead (Doing Procreation A Favour)

There's A Good Reason These Monkeys Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet

I Have 37 Fall Out Boy Songs On My itunes But Not One Song By Planes Mistaken For Stars

13 years Ago We Would Have Been Rapping Over Downtuned Guitars

We Love E And A Pentatonic-Based Riffs, That's Why All Our Melodic Guitar Parts Sound Like They're Been Played By Heavilly Intoxicated Members Of Iron Maiden

I Like To Wear Clear Plastic-Lensed Spectacles

glassJAw Eats Bands Like Yours For Breakfast

The Only thing XXX About You Is That Porno Your Mom Made

I'm worth $750 000 But I Still Ride The Bus To Band Paractice Cos Its Congruent To My re-re-Recycled Punk Principles


Sadly, these genius song titles never got used. I ended up getting replaced by the town drunk, as he proved even more pathetic and incapable of Shutting The Fuck Up than even I.

:'( Chloé

Valentine's Day song.

So Valentine's Day is once again upon us. Personally, VD means nothing to me. I'm sure there is some semblance of romantic thoughts and feelings inside of me, but they're buried way down deep, under a writhing, sticky pile of cynicism and half-digested candy.
It would take a pretty special (and congruent to me and my lifestyle) person to pull any genuine romantic affection out of me; such people are mighty thin on the ground 'round these parts.
Most years Valentine's Day is merely a mild irritant. Not this year though, for this time around I couldn't care less.
So to mark the occasion this year I will leave you with a song, which pretty much sums up my thoughts on the day and what it (has come to) stand(s) for.



Let the dead rot
Where they fall
You know sometimes I need a crutch
Just to crawl
So
Loathsome
So loathsome down inside
My heartstrings
They ain't yours to pull
Cops in latex gloves trying
To search my skull
So
Loathsome
So loathsome down inside

I FEEL SO LOATHSOME DOWN INSIDE.

Rancid junk-thought
Elephantitus of the mind
Rancid junk-thought
Elephantitus of the mind
This is my
Escape art
Exhibition
This is my
Escape art
Exhibition
Escape art
Exhibition
Escape art
Exhibition
And I'm never coming back.

♥ Chloé

New Zealand Songs of F*cking Angst pt. 2

With all the hubris and hollow back-patting of the Grammys upon us I think its high time for another post that focuses on music. So with that in mind, welcome to part deux of New Zealand Songs of Fucking Angst. This time around we have a lovely track from Wellington band Shihad, who were once very good.

Shihad: Derail
This is a song from Shihad's 1993 album Churn, which is quite frankly a flat-out monster of an album. It was the first album for the band (their only prior release being the 4 song speed metal EP Devolve) and is permeated with various themes; that of isolation, of being trapped within the machinations of modern society, and of the dehumanization that has come about due to the state of modern life. its a very reactionary record, that rips and gouges with cold steel pincers at the rotting underbelly of human existence and the lies that fuel our lives.
Not that I wish to paint this album as being all about doom and gloom, verily there are glimmers of hope that shine through the crushing derision inherent within this album. Like a flower growing up through a crack in concrete, to use a hackneyed simile.
But what I love about this album the most, aside from the music, is it completely uncompromising and bilious attitude towards the piss-poor state of the falsities humans have built up around life; the perfidiousness of the media, the consumer-driven materialism and the uncompassionate "me first" human extrapolation of the apophthegmatic "survival of the fittest" that is so ubiquitous in the collective mindset of humankind. To name but a few issues explored on this album.



In other words, an album that the likes of I can certainly get behind.
Here's track 7 from the album, unedited and presented in its full glorious entirety, the mighty Derail.



I'm putting this song up online as a public service really, as the only way to listen to this song online otherwise is to watch the official video clip on youtube, which has poor audio, poor picture quality and has been edited so the entire middle 8 of the song is not included. Hopefully me putting it up here is OK with the karma of the world.
As an added bonus, here are the lyrics to the song:

Abrasive to the touch.
All in all in all the same thing now.
We are gathered here in nonesuch.
Hooks back to the line.
And I trip over myself here
and I trip over myself.
Something's stuck in me here
and I can't get out.

Some in paint.
Some in blood.
Some in makeup.
Derail me.

To everything -
churn, churn, churn
There is a season -
churn, churn, churn
There is a reason -
churn, churn, churn
This ain't the time or the place.

I am sick of walking into rainbows.
I am sick of plugging into rainbows.
I am sick of tuning into rainbows.
I am sick of turning into rainbows.

If you enjoyed that wee ditty I urge you to track down a copy of the album, its definitely well worth it.

♫ Chloé

Idiot Flesh - Idiot Song

Here's a lovely little short film/music video for you guys. "Idiot Song" by Idiot Flesh, directed by Annmarie Piette.
Its quite possible that some of you won't have seen something quite like this for a fair old while, if at all. Me, I watch and listen to this kind of stuff all the time, so I'm used to it.
Every time I watch this clip I get a strong feeling of calm, with a tinge of nostalgia for some reason. It could have something to do with the way its shot and edited, and the way the images are so congruous with the music.
I like how it takes one on a little journey without the need for any sort of pretension to a thematic "point A to point B to point whatever" structure.

I guess what I'm also trying to say is that I think vibrant and lively videos such as this beat the pants off the dull and creatively void wasteland of most "popular" music videos.
Its best viewed in a dark room whilst wearing headphones for full effect.



You need to go to the dentist Nils.
Could you imagine these guys working in an office cubicle somewhere, or some shit like that? No, these are the types of creatives that belong out and about, wild and free, peddling their saucy aural and visual wares throughout the land(s), unconstrained by the dullards that choke up this world with their narrow-minded, "neatly fits into a slot" prosaicism*.
Ahem.
Sorry. I was starting to go off on a tangent there. Its too early in the morning for my particular brand of revilement.

You might recognize a couple of the fellows in this clip, Dan Rathbun and Nils Frykdahl, as being from the band Sleepytime Gorilla Museum. I, like many others, became aware of Idiot Flesh after getting into SGM. There isn't a heck of a lot of information available on Idiot Flesh, but I've gathered together some of the better stuff that I've gleaned from my internet wanderings, should you be interested in finding out more about this band.
Idiot Flesh's music is the type of music that grows on you, with more layers of depth and substance revealed to the listener over each subsequent listening. So they're a band that requires some patience, but that greatly rewards an investment of said patience.
At least I think so at any rate. Your tastes in music may be far removed from mine.



You can find out more about Idiot Flesh at the links below:
Idiot Flesh Wikipedia entry.
Idiot Flesh myspace. The Idiot Song video is also on the myspace page, on autoplay, just below the song player. Click on the video to stop it so you can hear the tracks on the song player.
Lyrics for Idiot Song.
Carnival of Flesh. A brief yet revealing article on Idiot Flesh written back in 1998.

There are also plenty of Idiot Flesh songs floating around on youtube. Start off here and have a poke around.

Chloé.
*Not that I'm saying that everyone who works in an office cubicle belongs there, or wants to be there. My vicissitude is only directed at the types of people who want to be working in an office or some such. Or who are at least fairly content to work in such a job.

Idiot Box: Artworks inspired by old TV shows

Earlier in 2009 (during April 2nd to April 23rd to be precise) Los Angeles-based art gallery Gallery 1988 hosted the Idiot Box Art Show. 100 artists contributed work inspired from various old (predominantly 80's-early 90's) TV shows that have become ingrained in the minds of many who grew up in that era, or were exposed to such shows later on in perpetual rerun hell.
There were some really cool artworks included in the exhibition.

Here is a link to where you can see a whole bunch of them. They range from the cute to the absurd to the sinister.

Unfortunately it appears a fairly substantial chunk of these pieces are no longer available to view on the site I just linked you. But there are still plenty of gems in there. The names of the pieces and the artists who created them are still listed under the pictures that are no longer there, so a bit of copy/pasting into google should sort you out if you're absolutely dying to see what a particular missing artwork looks like.
Vortex fave Jim Mahfood was one of the contributing artists. His piece isn't included in that link, but you can see it here.

I admit I don't watch all that much TV, and some of the shows referenced I'm not at all familiar with. But that's fine, I still enjoy the art as it is.
I find it interesting to see how a pop-culture force such as a successful television show inspires people who express themselves in other mediums such as pictorial images and sculpture. Even though the shows have finished their run they continue to live on in the hearts and minds of many. Sometimes this a good thing, sometimes not (I hate you Urkel).
However, I find it even more interesting how certain artists in this collective have filtered these shows through their own twisted psyches to end up with unique creative product which at times can be amusing, captivating, and in some instances... rather disturbing.

But also very entertaining. So go check it out won't you pleeeeease?



Chloé

Pictures used in this post:
"The Family" © Anthony Clarkson.
"We can Has A.L.F.?" © Casey Weldon.

What We Did On The Weekend - by Zöe Kovac

My cousin Zöe has been bugging me for a while now to do a guest column for Randomitronica, so after much whining about it on her part I have finally decided to concede to her wishes. So take this as a warning people. I’m just going to leave her entry the way it is and not proof read any of it. I have added some pictures to this post though. As its Randomitronica tradition to have pictures with these things.
There wasn’t any fire by the way, it was just me forgetting about how Zöe’s toaster is incapable of doing anything but burning toast.
-Chloé



Greetings folks, I’m Chloé’s cousin Zöe. That’s all the introduction you’re gonna get from me. I don’t know you people!! No names have been changed to protect anyone.
I’m writing this on Sunday morning. I currently have a hangover that could crush the skull of a less seasoned individual than myself. I can hear someone stumbling about in the living room coughing and muttering something about “dancing pants.” Guess who that is.
Cousin Chloé and I got up to a few things this weekend, so seeing as I was going to do a guest Randomitronica I’ll write about that.
On Friday night we went to see Pearl Jam in concert, as I needed to do a review of the gig for work. That was fine by me. I got two free tickets out of the deal. I gave one to Chloé as a birthday present, despite her protests that she’d “rather have [her] tits ripped apart by weasels than listen to one single second of any of the languorous pap Pearl Jam has shat out for the last 13 years”. I cared not for her whinging. It saved me having to actually pay for a birthday present for her.
I finally managed to convince her to come with me by letting her know that a certain guy she fancies (we’ll just call him “Simon P. Southberry”) would be coming along too. Ah lust. It can be so handy when it comes to getting people to do what you want them to do.
Liam Finn plus Ben Harper & the I dunno, Deflated Ballsacks or something were playing support for Pearl Jam, but they’re both rubbish so we just stayed near the bar while they were playing. Jesus Christ the beer there was expensive. $11 for a bottle of Corona? That’s insane!

Where was I? Oh yeah, so Pearl Jam started their set only about 25 minutes after the tickets said they would, so that was pretty good going. Some giant sasquatch of a man drunkenly stumbled into me during Pearl Jam’s first song (Daughter) which wasn’t too cool because I’m small and was already half pissed by this point. So I did the only decent thing I could do really, and tripped him up as he careened out of my personal space. Ha ha! What a dunce.
Chloé wasn’t too happy about that cos by tripping the big guy up it caused him to fall onto Simon, who spilled his drink (red wine) on Chloé’s white blouse. But who cares. Whoooo! Pearl Jam!
Pearl Jam put on a very solid performance, the band played pretty much flawlessly, and Eddie Vedder was in fine voice. But they were at the end of a tour, so you’d expect the band to be tight and firing on all cylinders. It was also good to hear the road hadn’t worn out Vedder’s vocals. About two thirds through the gig it looked like he was soothing his throat with some kind of spirit from a big-ass bottle he had near him. Probably why he invited Neil and Liam Finn up on stage with him during the second encore for a rendition of that Chris Knox song “Not Given Lightly”. Which was a moment that was both patriotically rousing and incredibly fucking cheesy. Some people held their lighters aloft during this song. I wasn’t sure if they were trying to be ironic, they were full of boozed up silliness, or if they were just idiots. Probably all three. I wanted them to die.


They had a huge monitor on either side of the stage so you could see the band members clearly as various cameras focussed on what various members were doing at any given time. This was very much appreciated by me, even though it made me realise just how much of a walking cadaver Stone Gossard looks like nowadays. Seriously. If you shaved that guy’s head he’d be Nosferatu incarnate. But Nosfuratu with a guitar. In other words, getting dangerously close to farcical territory, ya hear me Gossard?
It was cool to see Matt Cameron live again. He’s one of my fave drummers, and the only other time I’ve witnessed him live was during a Soundgarden concert many years back (coincidentally at the same venue this PJ gig was at). I prefer his drumming in Soundgarden though, his beats in Pearl Jam are more pedestrian, not as inventive. But whatevz. You adapt your style to suit the band eh. I’m a drummer myself, I know how it goes.
I wish it had been Soundgarden playing. That would’ve cheered Chloé up. The grizzling bitch.

Pearl Jam played for quite a while, about two and a half hours or so. We left a few songs before the end of the concert in order to avoid a huge crowd of people all leaving at the same time. We could still clearly hear the band playing when we were way down the street from the venue. We then had to wait as a multitude of taxis went past us while Chloé was stubbornly smoking a cigarette. I tried explaining to Chloé that we needed a taxi that could accept credit cards so we shouldn’t be mucking about, but she wasn’t having a bar of it.
Well we finally managed to get an appropriate taxi, so Simon, Chloé and I went back to my place. The rest of my housemates had gone down to Taranaki for the weekend so it was just us in the house. Which was good, cos we felt like being rowdy.
We proceeded to hang out in the living room, threw the old I-Ching, ate some chips, drank some daiquirís and had some whippets. Chloé didn’t have any whippets though, because she considers them to be “retarded”. We had the music channel playing on the TV, they played a bunch of Pearl Jam, which was nice, although I was kind of glad when the Pearl Jam stuff finished as Chloé was giving me the evil eye after a while.
Then they started playing a Billy Idol marathon, which we were thoroughly entertained by.


By this time we were all starting to get pretty sloshed. I remember Rob Zombie’s “Foxy Foxy” clip came on the TV, which made Chloé stand up and roar “goddammit what the fuck is this turgid dross? Rob Zombie’s had a fucking lobotomy!” at the top of her lungs, spilling chips everywhere. It was really funny. I think the outburst scared Simon a bit. Or maybe it was just the whippets making him look a trifle unsettled.
Simon wanted to play truth or dare but its no use playing that with Chloé and I as we’ve known each other since we were little kids, and pretty much know all of each other’s sordid little secrets.
My recollections of the night get fairly blurry after that.
I got up to go to the loo at some point and when I returned Chloé and Simon had disappeared. I assumed Chloé had squirreled him away in the spare bedroom to have her wicked way with him, but she soon returned, complaining that Simon had passed out on her.
Boys. Useless.

So then we watched Pumpkinhead.
I woke up several hours later on the couch feeling like someone had shanked me in the head. Chloé was busy burning toast. After we’d both had showers, woken Simon and kicked him out of the house sent him on his merry way I got a text message from my pal Johnny who was having a barbeque round at his place. Chloé had a whole bunch of mp3s that she wanted to give to him for his radio show, so we took a bus round to his house at about noon. We sat about in Johnny’s “man cave” (a smallish sunroom in the front of his house) for a while drinking Coronas and watching random bits of Samurai Jack episodes.
At some point one of Johnny’s mates arrived and we watched a clip on youtube he’d directed of some local political rally. There was an angry heckler guy in this video who got escorted from the premises by some rather large security dudes. Johnny’s mate had filmed the whole debacle. The angry heckler dude called out one of the security guys (“whatcha gonna do now ya fat maggot?!”) which I found so funny I laughed beer through my nose.

There were about ten of us hanging out in the house at this point. We all decided to go down to the park near Johnny’s house, as there was a free concert happening down there and you could bring your booze along. Johnny still had the 3/4 full bottle of Chivas Regal that I’d left at his house a few weeks earlier, so I took that along with me. Chloé wasn’t too keen on the idea of me bringing the whiskey along, she was all like “you shouldn’t take that with us, remember what happened last time you drank that stuff”. But she needn’t have bothered as I wasn’t going to listen. Because I don’t remember what happened last time.
We got to the concert thingy, and Johnny and his mate went off to find some people to film. A bunch of us sat up on a hill drinking and watching the various musical acts perform. Che Fu played a set. He was in Supergroove y’know. He was called Che Ness back then. His set was really lame and boring MOR RnB shit. I got frustrated with it after awhile and kept yelling that he should “shut up and fuckin’ play Scone Farm” until Chloé pointed out that Che never sang on that particular Supergroove song. Ah tits, man. I wish he’d played it anyway, that would have been something.
Don’t get me wrong though, to each their own with their personal music tastes. I just flat out don’t care for RnB. Che’s a pretty decent, versatile singer and his voice suits the RnB style, I just miss his “rock vocal” style he employed in Supergroove.
By that point the whiskey was starting to kick in so we thought it best that we walked back up the hill to Johnny’s while we were still able to stand.
I think we lost a guy on the way.

Johnny and a couple of his mates tended to the barbeque while Chloé and Johnny’s missus Trudy played Tekken 6 on Trudy’s Xbox. I just walked around the house talking to myself and humming Depeche Mode songs. I was to find out later that rather than humming the songs like I thought I was I was actually singing them very loudly and out of tune. And apparently my house wanderings had cumulated into me sitting in the empty bathtub for about forty minutes. But hey, at least I didn’t fall into the barbeque.



I don’t remember if I managed to get out of the bathtub myself or if I was dragged out, but I do remember that by that point there were way more people there and all the barbeque had been eaten. Bastards.
At some point I had a cigarette, I think, as there is half of one in my pocket. I must have been pretty soused to have done that.

And that’s pretty much all I remember. I’ll have to ask old Coughing Girl out there what went down during the rest of the evening, all I know is somehow Chloé and I made it back to my house.
I can hear her yelling. Something about Rob Zombie. Must be that clip on again.
Holy shit the fire alarm just started up.

~Zöe
.

The Wall of Death: Lion Drome

"My ride's cooler than yours"

A fine example of the sort of things people got up to for the sake of entertainment before television, video games and the Internet arrived to wreak havoc upon us all. Click on the photo and see it full size I say. It was taken circa 1929 at Revere Beach, Massachusetts, in da US of A.
My (admittedly brief) research on lion dromes indicates that during the time period when this photo was taken, one could buy a ticket to watch this sort of inspired lunacy right under one's nose for around 10-15 cents, which was about the price of a movie ticket in those days.
Motordromes are still operating today (although they're not nearly as popular as they were back in the 1930's when these events were at their peak of public interest), but minus the lions*.


Yeah, this picture has been floating around on the internet for a wee while now, but for those who are interested here's the story of how it found its way onto the Internet, plus a brief history of the motordrome.

*Gee, I wonder why?


◕‿◕ Chloé

Skeptics - AFFCO

Ladies and gents, I would like to play a video clip for you.

Its a song about meat. Or, more specifically, the processing of meat. It was written by a band named Skeptics (or The Skeptics), who formed in 1979 in Palmerston North, New Zealand.
The song featured here is entitled AFFCO, which is an acronym for Auckland Farmers Freezing Company Ltd. Here is a brief description of the company AFFCO, taken from their official website:
"AFFCO is one of New Zealand's leading food companies, having operated in this competitive and innovative sector of New Zealand’s primary sector since 1904.
AFFCO processes and exports more than 150,000 tonnes of meat products and by products every year and is a major earner of foreign exchange earnings for the country."

I shall warn you now, it is a video that depicts, in a very graphic way, what goes on every day in a meat processing plant. The video itself has stirred up quite a lot of controversy over the years, but its worth noting that the band (and film makers) are not making a case for animal rights here, nor are they celebrating the killing of animals for human consumption. This is a song about people who "pack meat", and thus the video clip and the song itself are merely a reflection of the band's impartial stance on this issue.
Plus it features lead singer David d'Ath (who died of leukaemia on the 4th of September 1990) wrapped in glad wrap and covered in baby oil and food colouring. That's got to be good for you all to see.



The song to my ears is a wonderful thing. I love the graunchy, stuttering and propulsory nature of this tune. The scuzzy, buzzing guitars, the clunky bass, the barked vocals and the claudicant drums all combine to make a rather selcouth aural experience. Especially for New Zealand in 1987. It comes from the excellent album Skeptics III, which is well worth checking out. If you can find it, aahahahaa. I have it on one of my hard drives in mp4 format.

What interests me is the sheer amount of public umbrage that has been stirred up over the years over this clip. Sure, some portions of it are by no means pleasant to watch, but this is what happens in an abattoir. I'm not going to sit here and judge anyone if they happen to enjoy eating meat, or if they are vehemently opposed to the practise. That's their business.
What I do find rather ridiculous though are people who eat meat and yet get all upset when shown how the meat gets to their table. The picture below that I've slapped together is a fine representation of the process, but notice how it misses a very important step, which is how the meat goes from animal to that fancy shit people pay too much money for at restaurants.



OK, so that's not sheep meat he's eating there, but you get the idea. He looks like a putz anyway.

I myself also have a very nonpartisan viewpoint on the issue of animal processing for human consumption. This post is merely about the song and its video clip. Hopefully I have come across as neither for or against this particular practice. Whatever views you may personally hold on this issue are none of my concern, and I'm certainly not here to judge either way.

You can read more about how the video was conceived and made by clicking here to read an account of the video's production by the guy who initiated, directed, shot, and edited it.
A well written mini-history of the Skeptics can be found here.

Chloé

#uselessmonsters

Right then. A few days ago Jimmy Misanthrope started making up useless monsters on his twitter, with the hashtag #uselessmonsters. This was primarily just for the sheer hell of it, but also it was a reaction to the usual boring and stupid things* that end up being hashtagged to the point of ending up in twitter's "trending topics". Things such as Bad Romance, #rihannasforehead, Zenyatta, Jedward, all of which I've just this moment culled from twitter's current trending topics.
For those who are unfamiliar with twitter, adding a hashtag to a word or phrase will automatically add that hashtagged word/phrase to a list automatically generated by twitter that includes all the examples of that word/phrase that have been hashtagged and tweeted.
*Boring and stupid topics, as a great deal of people are themselves boring and stupid, yes?

Twitter hashtags are yet another odious example of humankind's innate herd mentality. Something that is ripe for people like me to take the piss out of then. But whatever. This post is about a hashtag subject that started with "werepotato" and fairly rapidly expanded to include all sorts of wondrously creative examples of sheer silliness. Some were awesome, some were facetious, some were just plain stupid. And some my friends were utterly, utterly useless. In keeping with the spirit of the thing in other words.
Listed below are all the twitter entries (and the people who tweeted them) that came with the hashtag #uselessmonsters that actually listed a useless monster and weren't just replies or reactions to the topic itself. They are listed in the order from the first person who started tweeting useless monsters to the last person who did.


@JimmyMiz Werepotato. One headed hydra. Perma-stone gargoyle. Subterranean drop bear. Bonsai ogre. Toothpaste golem. Tropical yeti. Aquatic satyr. Single animal chimera. Eyeless cyclops. Beached sea serpent. ChickenGriffin. Eunuch incubus. Highly inflammable dragon.

@BloodyWilliam Spotted elephant. Charlie-in-the-box. Wingless harpy. Vegetarian vampire. Half man half house cat. Homicidal minnow. Tone deaf siren. Banshee with laryngitis.

@Starlogic Blind Medusa. Dissolving zombies. Butter octopus. Mute siren. Shaved mammoth.

@icypop Were-ladybirds.

@Bryn_Colvin Pretty much any Disney cartoon monster. The Black Cauldron is especially bad, ruined a good book that. The basalicks.


@Dagger_Arcana A one winged, bubble breathing dragon. Cerberus, the foofy poodle guardian of Hell. A blind basilisk. A blind cockatrice. A mute banshee. Paraplegic mummy.

@Tom_AIAC Brittany Spears. Flava Flav, yeeeeah boy! The Toxic Meanderer.

@scatmanfan Vanilla Ice.

@LaBarceloneta The Adorable Snowman. Cerberus after a bizarre dumbwaiter accident. Baronet Kong. Cthulu's Friend, Skippy the Huggable Lil' Bunny. Frankenstein's Mopper. The Appendix-less Horseman. The Chupacabriolet. Jack the Inadequate-Tipper. The Minotard. Were-Wolfgang Puck. Swamp Thingy. Vampire Hugger D. Dorcs. Medouchea.


@3horn Frankenstump.

@defconqueso Indifference Squid.

@mkmiddleton Were-Wolf Blitzer. Larry King Kong. iPodzilla.


@joangeluk In far off transylvania there lives a vampire duck. It's not his bite, that turns you white, but a very nasty suck. Were-Wolf Blass. Codzilla. Dr Jekyll and Dr Jekyll.

@whateversusan Gameramen.

@Jenksy The unundead. A mere wolf.

And last, but certainly not least:

@essjayess Talos made of jellybeans #harryhausenFTW #godIwishtherewasoneofthese

So there you go folks. An example of the avalanche of odd that one little werepotato is capable of creating. Notice that there was not one single mention of sphinxes. That is because nobody fucks with The Sphynx, OK?

The Sphynx © Winston Rowntree

☺ Chloé

Something to Cry About - An interview with comic creator Julz

The most tenebrous of Halloween greetings to you all!
To mark the occasion I've prepared an interview with Julz, a comic making lady from Cape Town, South Africa, and the artist and writer for the glorious spookycute webcomic Something to Cry About.

Something to Cry About focusses (so far) on three young ladies of the goth persuasion, cheerful Serah Tonin, sharp-witted Medi Kate, and main character Anne Aesthetic, a somewhat moody and introspective lass, who is dealing with the recent ending of a romance. Dealing with it very much like this:


I stumbled across this comic a few weeks ago purely by chance (I was browsing through someone's twitter friends and came across the StCA twitter, and my curiosity was piqued by the twitter avatar), and I can say in all confidence that I'm very pleased I did.
As someone who is myself very much a hopeless romantic (the operative word in my situation being "hopeless") I can really relate to what she's going through. Anne's starting to come around a bit though. Thankfully she has the aforementioned two friends to help her through this. The fact that its currently Halloween has probably helped her state of mind as well.
Personally, I'm a huge fan of the look of this comic. I love the big pupil-less eyes, the girls' various outfits, and the little details included within the comic, such as boxes of tissues being marked (t)issues. And despite it being rooted firmly within the aesthetics of "goth culture", the comic is very lively and genuinely funny. It has a playful sort of humour which I love to bits.
So I decided to email Julz and ask if she'd like to do an interview, to which she agreed to. I then sat down and tried to come up with some interview questions that were interesting to both Julz and anyone who might read the interview, and that would also make for an informative interview experience. Julz graciously emailed me back with some mighty fine answers.
But enough of my rambling and gushing. On with the interview!

Chloé Kovac: By the look of your site, and the subject matter contained within, its apparent that you have an affinity for the, shall we say, "spookier" things in life. What lead you down the path of spookydom? Was there a pivitol moment in your life that led you towards this particular appetence? Or was it a combination of things?

Julz: I was always a bit of a ghoulish kid, fascinated by anything spooky, even if it gave me nightmares. I always loved how ghost stories and the idea of monsters hiding in the closet stirred my imagination and gave me the shivers. I hope it doesn't sound too clichéd, but an awesome moment for me was the first time I watched Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas. It was just the perfect combination of weirdly eerie and totally loveable, and I've been smitten with Mr. Burton's work - and the spooky/cute aesthetic - ever since.


CK: Its always good to get a creator's thoughts on their comic. How would you sum up Something To Cry About?

J: I'm hoping it's something that will make people laugh and see the lighter side of some of life's big, dramatic, heartbreaking moments. And sometimes it's just an excuse for me to whine about something!


CK: How do you go about constructing each page? How long does a typical page take to do?

J: My methods are really primitive! Originally I wanted to do the whole comic by hand, but after scanning a couple of my character images and re-drawing them in FreeHand, I found the result was much smoother and easier to work with. So once I decide what's going into a comic, I draw the characters in their various poses in FreeHand, then drop those images into my PhotoShop template, which includes the 4 panels and their borders. The amount of time it takes depends on the content of that comic - the quickest so far has been 1 or 2 hours, and the longest took about 7 hours.


CK: How long have you been developing this comic?

J: I've been drawing pictures of Anne for a couple of years now, but she never had a name or personality. I started thinking seriously about working on a webcomic about a year ago, and eventually came up with the title, concept and characters in April this year. I spent a couple of weeks working on the first few strips and getting the site set up, before launching in May.


CK: Is this your first comic, or have you worked on other comics prior to this?

J: No, this is my first. Although I do have some rather insane and illegible childhood attempts stashed away somewhere.


CK: Besides drawing StCA, what are your other interests? Do you find these extra curricular interests infuse the energy of your comic in a helpful way?

J: I'm a graphic designer and copywriter, so I'm in a fortunate position where my work and hobbies blur into each other. I love drawing, scribbling and doodling, which sometimes helps me find the inspiration I need. Sometimes it helps to get away from my desk and get some exercise - I'm lucky enough to live close to the beach, so taking a walk there really clears my head. I'm also a voracious reader; beautiful prose often inspires me, and I'm totally mad about comic book art. Occasionally I also paint truly awful paintings and bake disastrous cupcakes - which really are worth crying about :)


CK: Do you have any creative pals and/or people who you find influential that you'd like to include some links to in this interview?

J: There are so many awesome webcomics and talented artists out there! Check out StCA's 'Links for the Lonely' section for a list of my favourites. Two webcomics I'm really loving at the moment are Eerie Cuties
(http://www.eeriecuties.com/), an adorable horror-comedy about teenage monsters in high school, and Evil Diva, (http://www.evildivacomics.com/) about a super-cute little demon who just wants to be good. Both of them have that spooky/cute combination that I love.


So there you have it folks. A little bit of background info on the creator and her creative process, which should serve you well when you go and have a look at the eldritch delights contained within the Something to Cry About website.

Chloé

[Something to Cry About © Julz. Images used with permission]

A Couple Of Creepy Animations.

Halloween is drawing near, so what better time to celebrate with a couple of fine filmic examples of spookystuff?
With that in mind, I've decided to post a couple of clips of a creepy nature. Creepy as in "designed to give the viewer goosebumps" not creepy as in "old man lurking around a park wearing nothing but a long raincoat" creepy. Hopefully its dark where you are so you can turn off the lights, put on some headphones and turn up the volume in order to enjoy the full effect. Mwooohahahahhaaa!

First up Smile, is a short CGI enhanced student film from Israel by Yuval Markovich and Noam Abta, produced at Bezalel Academy of Arts & Design in Jerusalem some time ago. Warning: the preceding link is to their showreel, which features various instances of at times rather graphic animated violence.



Egads, that cat!

Personally, I regard Smile as being a fine example of creeping paranoia in action.

Next up is a trailer for the excellent 2007 French animated film Fear[s] of the Dark (Peur[s] du noir) which is all kinds of gorgeous.



If you enjoyed that I highly recommend you track down a copy of it. Its masterfully constructed and works on a number of visceral levels, really worming its way into one's subconscious in a delicious fashion. You can read a bit more about it here.
Official website (in English) is here.
And (at the time of writing) you can see a segment of it on youtube right here.



☺ Chloé

Movie Remakes - What the F*ck For?

There are three main reasons why movies are remade. One is money. Two is that the producers/director/writer wants to present a new twist to an older version of a film. The third, and possibly stupidest in my opinion, is when a foreign movie is remade in order to be more palatable to the audience of the country(ies) remaking it. For example, the huge proliferation of Asian (predominantly Japanese) horror films remade for Western audiences.

Before I go any further with this post I'd like to point out that in most cases I hate remakes, and believe that in many cases they do a great disservice to the original movies. Having stated that though, there are a bunch of notable exceptions to this opinion of mine. John Carpenter's The Thing and the David Cronenberg directed 1986 remake of The Fly are two examples of remakes which I love to bits.
But for every well crafted movie that takes the original source material and does something truly outstanding with it there are a myriad of insipid, drivel riddled and asinine remakes of classic films that really, really fuckin' irk me, that drag the good name of the original film through the mud, and generally serve to make the culture of which I am a part just that more stupid. I mean, the Shutter remake? WTF was that? The original was genuinely unsettling, but the remake is about as scary as a plate of Grandma's scones.

Now me, I ain't no film snob. Sure, I love a lot of obscure, hard to find, esoteric, "arty" and non-mainstream/commercial films. A lot of films with (gasp!) subtitles, that aren't in English. A lot of films with subject matter/approaches that aren't considered to be all that palatable to a lot of folks. But there's a vast array of popular and commercially focused films which I love also.
I could say in all seriousness that I'm somewhat obssessed with films. I adore the act of watching movies, to me its not at all a passive experience. I get very wrapped up in it. A really good film to me is a life altering experience. A really good film can change a person, affect them deeply in their souls. A quality film sticks in one's mind long after its been viewed, rolling about in the conscious/subconscious. A good film can be watched time and time again, rewarding the viewer by revealing new elements/layers/things to discover about it with each subsequent viewing. A good film is a richly rewarding experience, and I spend a fair old amount of time and energy seeking out films to get into, and add to my collection, which is... large.
So in short, I'm very passionate about the medium of film.
And this is why the subject of cack-handed remakes raises my ire more than most.

Now, its no big revelation that studios can oftentimes be a pretty fuckin' lazy lot. There's the mode of thinking that goes like this; "hey, that movie was pretty successful. If we remake it its quite likely the remake will also be successful! Its a surefire winner! Why risk money on something new when we can just play it safe and redo something that was a proven winner the first time round?" Well, studio executive people, that original movie you feel would be so bankable if was remade, in the majority of cases it was the first version of that movie. Which means it wouldn't exist to be remade if a bunch of jerks had decided it wasn't worth putting money into to making in the first place.

I know all about the art vs commerce quagmire. I know how risky it can be for a studio to invest capital into anything that they don't have a good idea will make them money, or at least make back the money they invested in it. But Jesus Christ, if we just go on remaking films, or making films that are of a similar premise to other films (a la that whole "swapping bodies" pack of films; 1988's Vice Versa [itself a remake of the 1948 film directed by Peter Ustinov], 2003's Freaky Friday [a remake of the 1976 film. Notice a trend developing here folks?] the list goes on and goes on further still), then the medium of film itself just slides further and further on down into bland and homogenised rubbish, with all the excitement, entertainment and thought provocation sucked clean out of it. Then you may as well just give up and go watch television. Do we really want this to happen? Really?
So movie remakes are a (sometimes) financially successful enterprise. Whoop-dee-fuckin-do. Its pretty damned lame if you ask me.


So, on to the second main reason films are given the remake treatment, which is the old "filmmakers wish to present an updated/new interpretation of/alternate take on an existing film" scenario. Some of the films in this category are excellent, such as the two films I mentioned at the start of this post. Some are completely pointless, such as Gus Van Sant's almost shot-for-shot reamake of Hitchcock's filmic interpretation of the Robert Bloch novel Psycho. Most are pretty dire. Some of these remakes are made by the same directors or producers or writers (or a combination thereof) as the original (or the version of the film that immediately preceded it). For instance, the director of the 1986 The Fly, David Cronenberg, is the guy who's attatched to direct and potentially write the new remake. Whatever dude. The version of the film you did in the eighties is one of my all time favourite films, but if you think you can improve on it... Will you be inviting Jeff Goldblum back to reprise his pivotal role as Seth Brundle, as Goldblum's performance was one of the main things that made the movie so awesome? Will Geena Davis also be in this new version? Surely she doesn't have anything better to do at the moment right?
Please oh please don't screw it up Cronenberg. You don't want to break my wee heart now do you?
OK, enough rhetorical questions aimed at a guy who won't ever be reading this blog. Let's move on to the third main reason films get remade.

The "audience won't understand this/won't like to bother reading subtitles/are a pack of xenophobes" notion. Plenty of film remakes in this category. The American remakes of The Ring, and later The Grudge are both popular examples of this. Interestingly, Takashi Shimizu, the guy who directed the Japanese The Grudge (Ju-on 呪怨) series of movies also directed the American version. And Hideo Nakata, the director of the two Japanese Ring films, went on to direct the American remake of The Ring 2. He's also on board to direct the American The Ring 3, but who gives a fuck, right?
There are many many films out there that deal with the classic Japanese horror trope of the "vengeful ghost", including the original version of that movie Shutter that I mentioned before, though that was a Thai film.
Actually, if I may digress briefly, if you're a fan of those "creepy Asian ghost" films, I highly recommend you check out Honogurai mizu no soko kara (仄暗い水の底から or Dark Water in English), its very well done and is deliciously creepy. Of course, it too got the American remake treatment, but the less said about that the better.


I ask myself why there are so many non-Western films that get remade by Western film companies. OK, so a lot of people seem to dislike reading subtitles if the movie happens to not be in English. But a lot of such films also have versions that are dubbed into English. Personally I prefer to watch a film with subtitles if the film is in a language that I don't speak. Preserves the vibe of the film much better I reckon. But that's beside the point. No, the main reasons for the remake approach in this case, as far as I can figure out, are either that its just generally harder to find foreign films in places such as Blockbuster et al, and that a big chunk of the Western populace (I'm looking at YOU, mainstream America) really can't see past their own country and its culture, and are just plain uninterested in seeing a film that stars people from another country, especially a country that doesn't have English as its main language. Either they don't understand the culture of the the country where the original films come from, or they plain just don't wanna know about films from places they're not at all interested in familiarising themselves with. There's also a whole bunch of people out there who (whether or not they like to admit it) are a bunch of pathetic racists too, but let's not get into that today.
But take a film from overseas, remake it with a couple of popular actors (or at least actors that the audience is familiar with) and voilà, people will part with their hard earned to see it. It doesn't matter to them that the remake is often a watered down version of the film its redoing. These people won't ever bother to check out the original so they're unaware of what they might be missing.
Not that I'm saying that I think all the original foreign films that are remade are good films and all the remakes are bad films. But generally speaking I have a good point here eh?

There's a film that was made in South Korea back in 2006 called The Host (괴물 - Gwoemul) which I happen to think is bloody brilliant, and is one of my very favourite monster films ever. It was a huge hit in its native country, and yep, looks like its gonna get the Western remake treatment. If you, like me, happen to think the US remake of The Ring was pretty average, and the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels to be exercises in ham-fisted twattery, then you'll understand why I take such umbrage at the notion of Gore Verbinski quite possibly lousing up one of my favourite films. He's only slated to produce this remake, but still.
The point is, The Host is an awesome film as it is. It doesn't need to be remade*. It set a new record in South Korean box office performance during its opening weekend. By the end of its theatrical run in South Korea it had sold over 13 million tickets, in a country with a population of 48.5 million. This from wikipedia: With a limited American release starting March 11, 2007, The Host garnered very positive reviews, with a 92% "Fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes. In addition it was ranked one of the top films of 2007 on Metacritic with a score of 85. The key words here being "limited American release". Its not a film that deals with esoteric elements of South Koran culture. You could take the plot and apply it to any country and culture. If it had been promoted more in the USA it would have done far better. I guarantee it. I'm psychic, remember?
*But then the studio remaking it won't stand to make any money off of it now will they?


Can you imagine a band you really like releasing an album, then a different band re-records the same album and releases it and a whole bunch of people go and buy the remake album because its more palatable? Of course, there are cover songs all over the place, but a whole album? Oh, wait...
OK, what if people started rewriting classic books? Umm, ahh.
And of course there are the vast amount of copies of paintings and such out there.

Will there be any place for original creative works in the future? Will everything be a copy of a copy of a copy? Will our cultural artefacts be homogenised to Big Mac™ proportions? I dunno about you, but such a scenario, as far fetched as it may seem at this point in history, scares the living daylights outta me.

Well guys, I reckon I've said all I need to say on this subject today. Thanks for bearing with me while I had this little rant. I don't usually like to get up on a soapbox about things to this extent, but this is a subject that is very dear to my heart, and quite possibly something far more enjoyable to read than other topics that really piss me off, such as humankind's intolerance to its fellow humans and so forth.

To finally ram home the points I have been trying to make today, here is a three page list of List of 60 Upcoming Horror Remakes. That's right, sixty. And those are just the films that go under the horror category (I dunno about Total Recall being on that list though, its more of a sci-fi thriller innit). A big chunk of these films are films that I believe to be quite fine just the way they are thankyouverrahmuch.

Read it and fucking weep.

⊙﹏⊙ Chloé